Alone.

He stands there,

So tall,

His wide Green eyes,

So broken,

He’s so alone,

With a story to tell,

As I reach for his hand,

I need to feel him

I need to save him,

Save him from that person he is afraid of,

Them voices in his head,

The weakness he feels,

As cold sweats shake him,

He reaches for me

Holding me close,

Breathing loudly,

His addiction,

His addiction is all he feels he needs,

I want to protect him,

From pain,

From heartache,

From the bitterness of this cruel world.

 

 

Your big eyes.

Your short cropped hair,

Sits perfectly on your shoulders,

Your big eyes,

High cheeky bones,

Your stoned look,

Sunglasses perched on your head,

Your perfectly groomed outfit,

On your slender frame,

Your sharp wit,

Truthful words,

Know it at all personality

You Sarah,

You,

Alarm people,

Never me,

I could tell you anything,

My friendship with you,

Was everything,

I brought you confidence,

When you had none,

Made you feel good about yourself,

I offered you advice as much as I could,

Always on the phone making sure you was okay,

You would sometimes let me down,

I forgave you as that’s what best friends do,

Then my nightmare happened

You threw me away,

You disagreed with the way I dealt with a situation,

Instead of trying to fix it,

You deleted me from my life,

No real explanation,

Just a missing space.

 

A closed book.

Take away your hate,

It will destroy you,

Destroy you slowly,

Turn you into something you don’t want to be,

People walk into your life,

The people who leave through their own choice,

Let them,

Wave to them,

Wish them well,

Don’t be bitter,

Don’t think of karma,

As we are not weak,

We stand tall,

It is not our problems,

Sometimes you cant talk to a closed book.

 

Dear Former friend, Thank you.

When you are feeling like everything is getting better,

You are finally moving on,

You have everything that you believe you need,

The new home,

Comfort,

Family,

Friends,

Then the best friend you believe would always be there,

Shows her true loyalty,

Shows her cold heart,

Shows the nasty streak I didn’t believe existed,

Turning her back on you when you need her the most,

Over something so insignificant,

With no real explanation,

Just the argument that she wanted someone to step up for her,

Fight her battles,

I hate violence I hate trouble,

I will never stoop to that level for anyone,

Situations can be solved without violence,

Loyalty to me means,

Being there for someone,

Through thick and thin,

The bad and the good,

Working through things as a team,

Resolving issues,

I might be alone,

Id rather be alone than have negative people in my life,

So former friend,

Hold that hate,

That bitterness.

Todays thoughts.

Its a Monday evening, I have the day of work. I am sitting in my room of my shared flat listening to music, Texas actually. Feel good music, sipping my can of cider which I have just helped myself to out of our shared fridge.

I have a week to move out my flat and find something new, I have been losing control lately making silly choices and drinking far too much alcohol. I suppose drinking alcohol helps me block things out the way I am really feeling.

I have been hooking up with my room mate knowing he has a girlfriend, to make myself feel better about my own life. How fucked up can you get, I’ve been cheated on and I know how awful it is. The crazy thing is I got a thrill from it, The thrill of getting caught, knowing I was doing something wrong. I felt wanted for even a little while, Now his girlfriend has found out and its all came crashing down.

When will I learn, my mother always tells me my life is like a movie, not a good movie more like a fucking horror film.

 

 

 

 

Waking up and smelling the coffee.

Sitting on the edge of my bed,

I look down at my bedroom floor,

Filter tips,

Clothes in heaps,

My head is sore

My throat feels tight,

When will I grow up,

Using pain as an excuse,

All am doing is causing myself this hurt,

Every waking hour am making the wrong decision,

I am putting myself in a corner that I cant get out of,

When will I wake up and realise I cant go on like this.

 

 

Crashing down

I can see right through your mind,

The way you feel,

I know you want to lose control,

Just like me,

Do something that we know is so wrong,

Just so we feel the thrill,

Now its all coming crashing down.

 

At the top of the hill.

The sky looks beautiful tonight,

Stars taking me to a place I really want to go,

My eyes in their gaze,

The darkness makes me feel safe,

I don’t feel scared,

I feel comfort,

Holding onto my thoughts,

The wind blows,

Cold breeze on my face,

I take a long drag of my cigarette,

Everything I seem to do is so crazy,

There ain’t no ifs,

No maybes.

I want to do things that are wrong,

To feel right,

I want to hurt you in the worst way,

Cause you nothing but pain,

That would satisfy me,

Watching you suffer.

 

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My angel.

I may of lost you,

You might of been stolen from me,

I didn’t realise how much you meant to me,

Until you was gone,

We would of had something special,

A bond that couldn’t be broken,

Love like no other,

I would of held you,

Loved you,

Protected you from the entire world,

You would of been all that mattered,

I would fought this entire world,

To make sure you was safe,

Your bodyguard,

Your one true love,

My little angel in the sky.

Memories.

Every morning when I open my eyes,

I feel a sense of emptiness,

A feeling of not being enough,

Different feelings controlling my brain,

Why cant I separate these feelings,

These thoughts,

Tell them apart,

Why cant I deal with things in the correct way,

Memories of you fill my head,

Good memories,

Horrific memories,

I don’t want these memories,

As I get out of bed,

I pull a top over my head,

I sign.