“I’m sorry.” continued.

6th of May 2017.

Today was scan day, I was very nervous. After E begging to come to the scan with me I thought to myself I will be the bigger person and let him come..at the end of the day this is a special day. My three friends came with me, I needed that support, they where so amazing and I will never forget what they done for me. I had too drink two litres of water before going into the scan room, I have a very small bladder I was in tears because I was in so much pain….and had to go and empty my bladder twice.

E sat in the waiting room with me while my friends went to get coffee, he put his arm on my leg and said to me ” Are you okay?” I replied ” I will be when I can go to the toilet again,” we both laughed. He started talking dirty to me saying he had missed the sex… as if it was the appropriate fucking time.

As I lay on the bed in the scan room, I felt my heart pumping through my chest. E sat beside me holding my hand. I smiled at him, waiting to see our little baby on the screen.

” Can you tuck this white paper into your underwear?” the Nigerian doctor asks me.
I do this, my palms very sweaty.
I take a big gulp and smile.
The doctor puts the gel on, and moves it around with the scanning tool and up comes a screen and the scan appears.
I am looking for the baby, why cant I see it I say to myself and look at E. I start to panic!
He just looks at me with a half smile.
Then I see this small little bean and I feel a sign of relief, then I look at the doctors face and am very confused at that moment I know by his reaction I have lost the baby.
” I cant find a heartbeat.” The Nigerian doctor says to me sadly, with a serious face.
He keeps looking for five more minutes, the five minutes feel like five days.
I can feel my eyes welling up I look at E and a tear is running down his face.
” I need to go and get my work colleague.” The doctor says.
In comes a lovely small little lady with glasses, looking very sympathetic.
She takes the tool of the male doctor and presses firmly on my tummy and moves it around and around for what feels forever.
The tears are running down my face at this point.
“I’m so sorry.” the lady says.
I nod my head at her and try to smile ” its okay.”
Me and E have a cuddle and he says to me “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

 

feeling sad

We go home and all I want is a bottle of wine to try block this horrible feeling out, to make this day even worse, I see E out with a girl.  I am so shocked and heartbroken.

 

Scarlett xx

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