Pushing to make it work.

June 2016.

I look back when am writing this and cant get my head around why I was so soft and let all of this happen. It would of been a better idea to get the word MUG tattooed on my forehead, but I’m tired of blaming myself for all of this, I’m a good person and I try to see the good in everyone and I got very stuck because I was so in love in a toxic emotional abusive relationship.

After New Zealand I went home to see my family, It was great fun but I was having massive doubts about E, something didn’t seem right he seemed very distant but didn’t tell me why. He became very short in his text messages, rarely called me. He told me everything was fine and I should move to his hometown and we would give it a shot. I thought I was overthinking things again and looking for problems because I was having my doubts…but again you always have that gut feeling if something is wrong. A gut feeling is very hard to fight against. A gut feeling is usually what you should go by.

So of I went, suitcase packed on the train down to England to start a life there with E. I knew something was really wrong but I suppose I kept fighting because I loved the bones of him and wanted to do anything to make it work. After all the emotional abuse, I never had a compliment of him, he would pick at the clothes I would wear saying I wore certain things for attention…but of I went. When would I learn?

We lived in E’s mothers house for six months, It wasn’t too bad, I got on okay with his mum but we didn’t instantly click.  Me and E stayed on the sofa and concentrated on saving our money. We found a flat, and of course things became toxic very very fast.

I had a job in a Day care centre which I was really enjoying, E had a great construction job where he was making lots of money, I thought this flat is what we need, we have been through a stressful time, this will make everything better. I kept saying to myself travelling is hard and it tends to cause so many problems for other couples too, but as long as we love each other we will get through anything.

We moved into our little pad, E’s family helped us out alot with furniture, after a few weeks things started taking place, everything was going pretty smooth. E would come in from work I would make him dinner, I would tidy up all the time as I knew how anal he was about mess, and all I ever wanted was to make him happy.

 

sketch

A month went by, things started to change, he would moan at me for watching Television saying I would hog the remote and watch what I wanted, I told E to put on anything he wanted or we could watch a movie together, he just began to moan about everything, nothing was ever enough. So I would watch TV which I think is normal after a long day at work…I felt guilty for even doing this, he would sit and play on his phone. I would be on edge because he was constantly on his phone. I started to feel very anxious around him, because I just couldn’t do right for doing wrong. I didn’t trust him on his phone and always wanted to have a look but then I started feeling guilty for wanting to do this. I remembered a saying of my girlfriend – if you have to look at your mans phone you shouldn’t be with him. So I switched of…again.

If I had a bottle of wine in the house, he would make me feel guilty..”.I thought you had no money how can you afford wine?” E would say to me. I started to feel myself changing, like someone was slowly pulling my personality away from me, my confidence was going. I could never be myself around his friends or family and constantly felt on edge as if they didn’t like me.

Months went by and I decided to go on anxiety medication, I convinced myself that I probably needed anxiety medication for a long time and its good that I finally had it.

E started smoking weed again on the odd occasion. One night he smoked some in the house, I had done it before but not for a while. What’s one of the worst things to do when you have anxiety problems? smoke weed. What did I start doing? Smoking weed.

After work I would smoke a joint at night, as soon as I had smoked it the stress would go away and I felt so relaxed and chilled out. It was so hard being in this small town with E, I had no friends and I basically had no support from him. I started to think I was stressed out at work but my main stress was E and I was trying to blame it on anything else.

I would go into work so tired and more anxious, I even had a bad panic attack at work. I tried to explain this to E how I felt and he had already seen me having a panic attack at home and seen the horrific state I was in, but he just said I would be fine. The more I would talk about my anxiety the more he would think I was overacting, maybe he thought I was looking for attention but all I ever wanted was his support.

By Christmas time things were getting awful. I was trying so hard it was pathetic I saved up all my wages to get E loads of presents for Christmas to try kid myself that things were okay maybe? I purchased lots of sweets, new t shirts, wallet, shoes, joke toys and many other things.

He went out on Christmas eve and came back at like 3am. In the morning I got up all excited with all his presents that I had wrapped up. He didn’t care less he was more interested in watching only fools and horses because he was hungover. He could barely look at me, he just had no interest in me anymore, looking back now I don’t know how it took me this long to realise.

Christmas blew over fast, probably the worst Christmas I have had in my life. Christmas day spent with his family, E hardly wanted to be in my company and I felt on edge even talking to him..

one month later

I begged E to come to my hometown to see my family with me, our problems by now where very clear and everyone was noticing how much I had changed.  He came with me, we didn’t talk the whole journey. I begged him ” Can you just make an effort for my family.”
He would reply ” I don’t want to fucking be there.”
He left my hometown after a day and we broke up.

We still had our flat together, I found out later on in the future the day after he got back from Scotland he slept with a women in our home. At this point I knew I had to move on.

I wish this was as bad as it gets.

 

Scarlett x

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