May 2017. continued.
Rain drops fall, the smell of freshly cut grass, I hold my flask of coffee in my hand as I stare out of the window. Usually this is one of my favourite things – the smell of freshly cut grass and watching the rain from the car. It reminds me of my childhood but today I have a sad feeling inside knowing today is the day I have the procedure to take the pill to push the miscarriage of my baby.
My stepdad pulls over, I dive out the car, the vomit pours out my mouth, I can hear my mother heaving. Probably the mixture of car sickness, having no food in my stomach and the nerves.
After hearing my baby’s heart had stopped beating I made the choice to take pills to push the miscarriage, the option was surgery, pills or let nature take its course. I was told the pills would start working after an hour, “It should feel like a period, some cramps.” The doctor had told me. ” You should be able to go home after about four hour’s.” she had told me over the phone. I knew it was never going be a nice experience but I thought this has to happen I will take some snacks, magazines and before I know it, I will be home recovering in my bed. Good lord how I was so very wrong.
I arrive at the hospital with my stepdad and mother, my stepdad is going to get a operation on his back so he goes of on his own. Me and my mother go to the pregnancy ward. A nurse with a friendly face, approach’s me, short brown hair, glasses and a warming smile that makes you feel instantly at home. She takes me to my room. I have my own room, I was a little surprised as I clearly had no idea what to expect. I put down my bags, The smiley nurse gestures me to sit down on the bed, she takes a seat beside me and explains what is going to happen. ” The pills should start working pretty fast, there will be pain but everyone deals with the pain differently…please tell me if the pain becomes too much and I will bring you pain relief.” The nurse tells me. I smile “okay.” All I was thinking about was getting this over and done with and getting home, to be honest I didn’t really feel anything I had spent so much time crying and blaming myself I really just wanted to move on with my life.
I gulp down my water and take the tablets, the smiley nurse tells me if I need anything to press the buzzer. She told me she would basically just leave me to it because its a sad time and people deal with things in a different way. I understood this, and just wanted to be left alone. My mother wanted to go to Galashiels as she wanted to go shopping I tell her to go and have a nice time, my mum isn’t sure about leaving me but I have always been very independent and strong, and my mum had no idea what to expect, so of she went.
I open up my take a break magazine, I love the true life story’s always so much drama . After about 40 minutes I feel some terrible pains shooting down the bottom of my stomach, a awful feeling like I needed the toilet but was going be sick at the same time. The pain got worse within seconds I got up of the bed could hardly move and got myself to the toilet. I used a toilet bowl, and done my business. I sat on the toilet for about 15 minutes crying and being sick in the other toilet pan. I get of the toilet and sit on the bed crying my eyes out as I cant control this pain, I have already took painkillers as soon as I got the pain I buzzed.
I call my mother, and put her on speaker as I cant even pick up the phone. “Please come back, I cant cope with this pain mum.” I cry. She says “I’m on my way back.” I press the buzzer the nurse comes in after five minutes ” I cant deal with this pain.” I cry she gently pats my arm. ” Can you lie down.” She asks me. ” No I cant.” I answer abruptly. I knew I was a bitch, the poor nurse was only trying help but I had never been in so much pain in my life it honestly felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly in the ovaries. I swear giving birth couldn’t be this bad at least you was getting something amazing at the end, this was fucking horrific.
This horrific pain lasts about two hours, My mum is holding my hand on the bed as soon as I see her I just lose it and cry uncontrollably. ” Why is this happening to me mum.” I ask her ” Do I really fucking deserve this, that bastard I hate him.” I say about my ex. The pain comes and goes, after the two hours it wears of and I start feeling human again, I feel so broken, so upset that I have to go through this. I read my magazine, my mum and me sit in silence for around two hours, she looks broken…My mum lost her baby when she was my age, she gave birth then lost her two days later, this brings back horrible memory’s for her.
The nurses come in with my lunch – breaded fish, boiled potatoes and peas, and a ginger cake and custard, I was very Hungry so was looking forward for this food. It was 12oclock and the pain was bearable, I was well aware I had not even started bleeding yet so I knew it was far from over.
The hours pass, ” How did you go through, what you did mum?.” I ask her, looking up and seeing the pain in her eyes. She reply’s ” I had to Katie, it took me a long time I couldn’t eat for weeks, I just ate hard boiled sweets but at least I had your dad there for support.” I smile at her, I didn’t even hate E anymore, realising what I was going through right now, the hate had turned to pity I would never forgive that man nor would I ever talk to him again. It finally hit me, this chapter was over and I already knew I was ready to meet someone that would treat me special, I am not wasting anymore of my life I thought to myself and I smiled.
“Not again.” I cry, holding my tummy. The pain had started, I quickly buzz, the nurse comes in after ten minutes. ” I need something else, not painkillers.” The nurse reply’s ” We can give you morphine but we need to go and make it up and the other nurse is on her break.” I sign, I’m very moody and so over this fucking experience, I think to myself why cant the nurse just bloody come back, my pain is more important than her fucking apple. I know I am being a arsehole, and shake my head at myself even thinking that.
The two nurses come in after what feels like three days ( fifteen minutes.) The other nurse is very pretty with curly dark hair, a pale complexion, she looks very young. The thought comes back in my head and I think to myself I hope she enjoyed her break. I lie on my tummy and the nurse jags my bum twice one jag to stop the sickness too. “Thank you.” I tell them and smile feeling a bit guilty for my selfish thoughts.
The morphine kicks in pretty quick and I start to feel drowsy and the pain quickly goes. I lie down and watch Jeremy Kyle, it always makes me feel better about my own life. ” Where is her teeth.?” My mum points to the chav on the TV. I reply ” Your not aloud on the show if you’ve got teeth.” My mum laughs. ” look the daughter has no teeth either.” We both laugh. I feel something falling out from inside me and I smile rushing to the toilet. I look down and its lots of blood, ” that’s it starting.” I shout to my mum. Home is back in my thoughts!
The pain comes and goes, severe pain killers is how I would describe it. I have passed a lot of blood and clots but still no baby. Can you say baby? I really just wanted to go home and I was feeling completely broken, I was having waves of so many emotions anger, blame, hurt, resentment. I wanted E to suffer how I was, how could he get away with everything he had put me through?
I passed the fetus, it was similar to the clots I couldn’t really tell the difference if am honest. I hadn’t brought spare clothes with me, underwear or anything I really didn’t know it would be this horrific, I had a horrible feeling I was going stay over but I put it to the back of my mind because that’s really the last thing I wanted. I buzz the buzzer the pretty curly haired girl comes in ” Do you have any spare clothes, underwear?” I ask her. At this point, the bed is covered in blood and so are my clothes, I just feel so dirty. She nods her head looking at me with such empathy ” Of course, I will go get them now, is there anything else you would like?” She asks. “When can I go home?” I ask her. To be honest, I don’t really know what’s going on and although the nurses are really kind and sweet they hadn’t kept me in the loop. She reply’s ” We need to wait for the placenta to pass, we might need to do surgery and then an internal scan.” I just stare at her shocked. Could this get any worse I think to myself, am starting to get angry not with the nurses just with the situation, four fucking hours it will take…fucking bullshit!
My stepdad and mum are in the room, they want to have a look inside me to see what’s going on with the placenta, If it is I have to stay over. I just start crying I feel horrible, I am covered head to toe in blood, its everywhere I haven’t even had a shower yet, the underwear they gave me is soaked in blood and now so is my nightgown. I can literally just feel blood running down my legs constantly, I start to cry hysterically. My stepdad doesn’t really know what to say, my mum says “If just has to be done.” “Its not fucking fair.” I shout like a five year old crying because she cant get her sweets.
The Indian doctor comes in, good looking with rectangle glasses he tells me the procedure and sees that I’m obviously very upset. “What’s wrong?.” I think its a communication barrier I think he’s basically asking if am okay in a round about way maybe trying to make me smile the way he has said it. I think to myself what’s fucking wrong, WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG! I have just lost my fucking baby and I’ve been here since 9am and now you want to prod me even more and make this even more fucking horrific. ” I’m just finding this really hard.” I reply. He smiles at me looking straight in my eyes ” its a horrible experience, we don’t want to do this, but we have too, we cant let you go home until the placenta is gone.” I smile a fake smile. ” I know.” I respond.
The curly haired girl comes in with the Indian doctor, ” are you a doctor too.?” I ask her. She smiles ” yes ” she reply’s. You don’t look old enough.” I say. She laughs. They close the curtain I take of my night dress and pull down my blood stained pants and lie on the bed, I look down there is blood everywhere already, just falling out of me. “argh.” I say. “Are you okay?” the doctor asks me. “yes, there is so much blood.” I reply. “Its okay.” she responds. I don’t even care the fact you can barely see my vagina because there is so much fucking care, its like a gorilla. The two doctors come back in and position my legs in two arch pads. The doctor shows me what he is going to use, ” cool.” I respond, thinking to myself this is really exciting thanks for showing me what you are going to prod me with nice one love. Take a deep breath the female doctor says as she slowly eases this thing inside me, I can feel it opening. It feels really sore, and totally uncomfortable. I feel my eyes welling up. Then I realise the other doctor is doing something, I have no idea what but its fucking hurting and I wish they would stop. “Are you okay.?” the female doctor asks me. I nod my head lying.
The Indian doctor says, “ill let you get ready then we can discuss the next actions.” I pull up my blood soaked knickers and gown. The doctor comes back in ” So I scraped away most of the placenta, I am not sure if I got it all. I suggest you stay over night and we can do a internal scan tomorrow. “Do I need to stay?” I ask, furious that I have to stay over night in this place. ” I would highly recommend it when its of thus nature.” I completely agree with him, I want to have kids again don’t I.
I tell my mother the fantastic news she looks gutted for me but of course she understands my health is very important. I start feeling loads of bleeding again and I notice there is loads and loads of what looks like clots, I bet that’s some placenta I think to myself. I was right the doctor checked it. I have a shower and being the clumsy girl I am, I flood the entire bathroom, but to be honest didn’t really care wasn’t like I done it on purpose I could hardly move to turn the tap on. The warm water gives me the best feeling I think I have ever had, and really what I needed at that moment, I wash my body with a green bar of hospital soap and stand there for about twenty minutes. I put on a towel, the nurse might as well of asked me to wrap my self in a handkerchief. I put on a new pair of lovely white pants the nurse has gave me good job am no going on the pull is all I can say about these bad boys. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and let out a little laugh.
I lie in bed with some marks and spencer’s chocolate and read my magazine my eyes become really heavy so I put my chocolate away and go to sleep. I don’t wake up at all through the night, I knew I needed the sleep.
I wake up to a tall nurse with blonde hair, and a lot of makeup she obviously hasn’t matched her skin colour yet. she is standing next to me with the machine to take my blood pressure and another kit to take my blood. I look at the clock its 6am, I think to myself what a lovely surprise you little darling. I am half asleep so cant be bothered to make small talk I just smile at her, she tells me I have lost a fair bit of blood and my blood pressure is down, and just to eat healthy. I nod my head, and think to myself the first thing ill get when I get out of here is a bag of carrots, I smile falling back asleep.
I wake up its 9am, I get in the shower and read my magazine. The nurse comes in the doctor will see you around 9.30am, I am very happy ” thank you.”
I press the buzzer, the nurse comes in ten minutes later ” When do I see the doctor?” I ask the nurse who I first met with the glasses, I am starting to lose my patience. ” I rang him at 10.00am, it should be soon.” “okay.” I reply. I start to pace the room getting myself worked up.
I press the buzzer again. The nurse with the same worst foundation I have seen in my life appears with a big cheery smile. ” Is my doctor coming now.?” I ask her, they told me half 9, I have been here since 9am yesterday.” I tell her with a smile to try and make what I was saying not sound so bitchy, ” Ill call them again, and just play dumb,” she says laughing, now I feel bad, her foundation isn’t even that bad I think to myself.
I get to go home!!!!!! They done an internal scan and everything is gone. I put on fresh clothes which my stepdad has brought me after a quick shower, and rush downstairs to see my stepdad. I thank the nurses and doctor’s as they really have been wonderful.