The fear, I need strength.

I can hear the birds singing,

The pretty girl walking past, her blue dress floating in the wind,

The smell of freshly cooked chips,

Happy faces everywhere,

I watch,

Listening to my music,

Its loud,

To block things out,

A sense of security,

I want to get up,

I cant move,

I will stay another minute,

Maybe two,

I like this song,

I feel my breathing becoming heavier,

My chest becoming tighter,

Why did I wear these heeled wedges when I left the house,

Look how white my legs look,

I take a deep breath and I stand up.

 

Happiness is my fantasy.

When I think of my fantasy,

I think of you,

My fantasy is happiness,

Safety,

Being content,

Generally so happy I could burst,

Sunday lie ins,

Bacon rolls, strong coffee,

Long walks in the park,

Laughing hard,

Sitting at the airport with you,

Excitement thinking of our adventures together,

Sipping cold rose,

Looking at each other and smiling,

Happy and loving souls,

Picking up your phone calls,

Helping each other get through our problems,

Knowing we have each other,

That’s all we really need.

 

 

Running away in my mind.

You aint really good,

I am running,

Running away from you in my mind,

I can feel you chasing me,

Trying to make me trip up,

Fall flat,

Not get back up,

I don’t want to feel you,

Feel you In my heart,

I’m switching of,

Every switch,

Its all black,

That’s the way I want it,

I can see you looking at me,

Through the glass,

Remember its you not me,

I used to feel,

I wont feel you again.

 

 

 

Walking on eggshells.

Do you ever think its one thing after the next,

When do things start to look up,

Start to be positive,

I sometimes feel am the master of making bad decisions,

I truly believed everything was back to normal,

My feelings are getting better I really have a lot of positive thoughts,

Then I get a text message of my tosspot of a landlord,

You are on your last warning he says,

Last warning I think to myself,

I have not even had one warning,

I live in a house with two blokes,

Both who are my good friends,

I am so angry the blame has been put on me,

Blame always gets put on me in this flat,

If anything needs addressed he contacts me,

It was a one of I have said sorry

Walking on egg shells is a nightmare.

Blurghhhh.

 

 

Walking by.

Slow footsteps,

The streets are buzzing,

Loud noses,

Men in chinos,

Women in pretty flower dresses,

Kids running wild,

Beeping of horns,

Couples holding hands, kissing,

Smiling faces,

I take my sunglasses of,

I want to see everything,

I want to feel everything,

I smile,

I think what a beautiful world we live in.

Free feeling.

Trying make excuses for myself,

So many excuses,

Like everything is alright,

Sipping this Vodka and Cranberry at 12pm,

Its not a problem I tell myself,

I don’t drink everyday only at weekends,

So this is okay,

It for sure its okay,

People deal with things differently I continue to tell myself,

Its my day of one wont hurt,

I want to go to the beach and smoke cigarette after cigarette and just think,

Just think about everything,

I want to move on,

I don’t want to feel pain,

I just want everything to be okay,

 

 

Manchester

I am sickened to my stomach, to hear about the bombing in Manchester but you know what upsets me…its not a shock…. Its became the norm. These things keep happening their are sick people in the world and nothing will change that.. Hearing people say “Get them out of our country.” Doesn’t really help. You cant tar everyone with the same brush!

Argh! frustrates me!

RIP beautiful people.

 

Its not fair.

Walking around,

Smiling,

Laughing,

Is it a front?

Or do you really feel no regret,

Are you this cold,

The world on your shoulders,

Yet you caused me so much pain,

You took so much away from me,

So why do you get to be happy,

Content,

While I try to rebuild everything I am,

Everything you have taken away,

Stolen from me.

Feel.

Its existing,

Living in a shell,

With no touch,

No meaning,

You don’t understand why,

Or where to go,

Your senses still there,

So why do you still not feel anything.

 

A reunion.

My friend turns her baby Freddy around in his pram so he can see us while we are eating,

Sally then gives him a toy to stop him screaming as he has sore teeth,

She pulls her necklace so its facing the correct way,

As she flicks her hair anxiously as people walk past,

I tuck into my Steak pie, mash potatoes and vegetables,

Olivia is playing on her phone waiting for her lunch,

” School reunion.” Olivia says to me and Sally,

“When?” I reply,

“Next month.” She says, with a smile,

Olivia is a great friend but the type of person that has to get involved in everything,

Frankly I couldn’t think of a worse way to spend my night,

I had a bad year at school and I see most of the people I went to school whenever I am home,

I don’t talk to them now,

Just like I tried to avoid them in school,

My year was filled with a lot of arseholes,

Most of them haven’t changed,

Or am I holding too big a grudge?.