Todays thoughts.

Its a Monday evening, I have the day of work. I am sitting in my room of my shared flat listening to music, Texas actually. Feel good music, sipping my can of cider which I have just helped myself to out of our shared fridge.

I have a week to move out my flat and find something new, I have been losing control lately making silly choices and drinking far too much alcohol. I suppose drinking alcohol helps me block things out the way I am really feeling.

I have been hooking up with my room mate knowing he has a girlfriend, to make myself feel better about my own life. How fucked up can you get, I’ve been cheated on and I know how awful it is. The crazy thing is I got a thrill from it, The thrill of getting caught, knowing I was doing something wrong. I felt wanted for even a little while, Now his girlfriend has found out and its all came crashing down.

When will I learn, my mother always tells me my life is like a movie, not a good movie more like a fucking horror film.

 

 

 

 

Waking up and smelling the coffee.

Sitting on the edge of my bed,

I look down at my bedroom floor,

Filter tips,

Clothes in heaps,

My head is sore

My throat feels tight,

When will I grow up,

Using pain as an excuse,

All am doing is causing myself this hurt,

Every waking hour am making the wrong decision,

I am putting myself in a corner that I cant get out of,

When will I wake up and realise I cant go on like this.

 

 

Crashing down

I can see right through your mind,

The way you feel,

I know you want to lose control,

Just like me,

Do something that we know is so wrong,

Just so we feel the thrill,

Now its all coming crashing down.

 

At the top of the hill.

The sky looks beautiful tonight,

Stars taking me to a place I really want to go,

My eyes in their gaze,

The darkness makes me feel safe,

I don’t feel scared,

I feel comfort,

Holding onto my thoughts,

The wind blows,

Cold breeze on my face,

I take a long drag of my cigarette,

Everything I seem to do is so crazy,

There ain’t no ifs,

No maybes.

I want to do things that are wrong,

To feel right,

I want to hurt you in the worst way,

Cause you nothing but pain,

That would satisfy me,

Watching you suffer.

 

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My angel.

I may of lost you,

You might of been stolen from me,

I didn’t realise how much you meant to me,

Until you was gone,

We would of had something special,

A bond that couldn’t be broken,

Love like no other,

I would of held you,

Loved you,

Protected you from the entire world,

You would of been all that mattered,

I would fought this entire world,

To make sure you was safe,

Your bodyguard,

Your one true love,

My little angel in the sky.

Memories.

Every morning when I open my eyes,

I feel a sense of emptiness,

A feeling of not being enough,

Different feelings controlling my brain,

Why cant I separate these feelings,

These thoughts,

Tell them apart,

Why cant I deal with things in the correct way,

Memories of you fill my head,

Good memories,

Horrific memories,

I don’t want these memories,

As I get out of bed,

I pull a top over my head,

I sign.

Her beauty in the crowd.

She’s standing with her back to the crowd,

Her sandy blonde hair sits perfectly against her back,

She looks perfect from the distance,

A red dress perfectly cupping her behind,

Black Stilettos,

A crystal glass in her hand,

You can see her manicured nails,

Gently tapping the corner of the crystal glass,

The music is loud in the background,

Everyone dancing,

Socialising,

As I walk over towards this mysterious women,

Excitement fills me,

I get a rush,

As this glorious women turns around slowly,

I take a deep breath in,

Then I exhale very loudly,

The smile quickly reaches across her face,

Her red lipstick and white teeth glistering,

Its my wife.

 

 

Dreams.

In my dreams am dying all the time,

Standing by the side of the road,

Tears are filling my eyes,

The anger building inside me,

My hair blowing in the wind,

My hands so cold I can no longer feel them,

I’m reaching for your help,

You break your promise,

Nothing was ever going be okay.

My beautiful girl.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa,

Your hair matted,

Lips dry,

Tears are filling your beautiful brown eyes,

My eyes meet yours,

I know something is seriously wrong,

You lean on me,

Holding my hand,

So tightly,

Your hands clammy,

I hold you,

You tell me,

You tell me what that monster done to you,

We cry together,

I know at that moment I need to protect you.

Rude boys

All drinkers,

Drug takers,

Pitchers,

Cigarette after Cigarette,

Tight jeans,

Slim vests,

Girl after girl,

Trying their luck,

No respect,

Rude boys everywhere,

Joke after Joke.