Am I the only one

All I see all over social media is people graduating with fantastic jobs, living in the nicest houses, married with five kids before they are thirty. Its looked at as the norm. My friend once asked me when I was going to settle down and have children and what my plans where for my future. I am only 26, I want to live my life, Visit the most beautiful places, party, make new friends, life is so short.

Is it so crazy that I don’t care about a career, I work in a day-care centre this is enough for me it makes me happy, I live in a shared accommodation. Again I don’t care about having my own house…all I really ever care about is being happy.

I am that person that wants to meet someone special, I am not desperate nor lonely but happiness is all I want, I would be happy living in a caravan. A smile is everything, Warmth in your heart and in your soul.

Unanswered questions.

You know I adore you,

No matter what happened,

I know its water,

Running under the bridge,

It doesn’t help me to understand,

What I done to make you turn your back,

When I needed you so much,

I think what hurts is I relied on you,

To make everything better,

I didn’t expect you to leave,

With no reasoning,

Its a blank space,

I wish you had filled In the gaps,

Gave me a chance to make things right,

You’ve hurt me more than you will ever know,

So many questions unanswered.

The fear of the unknown.

So I have been talking to this lovely gentleman, Well texting. Things have been going so well, he is charming, seems to get me. Almost seems to good to be true. We have never talked on the phone as this makes me anxious.

I hate how anxious I get in these situations, I can be so confident but not when it comes to dating, I am a mess, a slippery, non stop talking, worrying mess.

Every time meeting up is brought up, I hide away like a little girl, I just cant get over this.

My friend goes about five dates a week, how does she do it?

If anyone has got any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Broken friendships.

I see you girl,

I see your weaknesses,

You are living in your past,

You are scared,

You don’t want to be that person you once was,

Letting people bring you down,

Letting people hurt you in the worst ways,

Times have changed,

Life goes on,

You cant keep judging people on past friendships you had,

Its a mistake you have made,

A decision which will cost you happiness,

You have lost something special.

 

 

 

Don’t take me there, or anywhere.

Today is a pretty good day, Listening to music which always makes me feel great, perks me up and I listen to songs where the lyrics I can relate too, they are real you know. I love RAY BLAK – ” Come to my hood, my hood, you should come to my hood.”

Candles are burning and am just generally relaxing, it feels good.

Yesterday was a tough day, My anxiety was going through the roof to the point where I had to just go to sleep as I was feeling a panic attack coming on.

Crazy thoughts going through my head, its hard to explain but do you ever get that anxious feeling where you start thinking of doing stupid bad things you would never do and the more you think of these things situations the more anxious you become, my chest getting tighter and tighter.

Just stupid madness thoughts, My way of dealing with it is to give my self a shake and tell myself how daft am being, it doesn’t always work.

I also need to be alone in these situations, as I don’t like anyone to know am anxious.

Its a terrible fucking circle.

Pull back I aint showing you nothing.

All alone,

Will it ever be alright,

It hurts,

When you feel like there is no one,

No one watching you,

Taking care of you,

The strength you feel you have,

Its slowly going,

Knowing your trust is gone,

Will it ever come back,

Anytime someone gets close,

You pull back,

Afraid,

Afraid of everything,

Most of all yourself.

Alone.

He stands there,

So tall,

His wide Green eyes,

So broken,

He’s so alone,

With a story to tell,

As I reach for his hand,

I need to feel him

I need to save him,

Save him from that person he is afraid of,

Them voices in his head,

The weakness he feels,

As cold sweats shake him,

He reaches for me

Holding me close,

Breathing loudly,

His addiction,

His addiction is all he feels he needs,

I want to protect him,

From pain,

From heartache,

From the bitterness of this cruel world.

 

 

Your big eyes.

Your short cropped hair,

Sits perfectly on your shoulders,

Your big eyes,

High cheeky bones,

Your stoned look,

Sunglasses perched on your head,

Your perfectly groomed outfit,

On your slender frame,

Your sharp wit,

Truthful words,

Know it at all personality

You Sarah,

You,

Alarm people,

Never me,

I could tell you anything,

My friendship with you,

Was everything,

I brought you confidence,

When you had none,

Made you feel good about yourself,

I offered you advice as much as I could,

Always on the phone making sure you was okay,

You would sometimes let me down,

I forgave you as that’s what best friends do,

Then my nightmare happened

You threw me away,

You disagreed with the way I dealt with a situation,

Instead of trying to fix it,

You deleted me from my life,

No real explanation,

Just a missing space.

 

A closed book.

Take away your hate,

It will destroy you,

Destroy you slowly,

Turn you into something you don’t want to be,

People walk into your life,

The people who leave through their own choice,

Let them,

Wave to them,

Wish them well,

Don’t be bitter,

Don’t think of karma,

As we are not weak,

We stand tall,

It is not our problems,

Sometimes you cant talk to a closed book.

 

Dear Former friend, Thank you.

When you are feeling like everything is getting better,

You are finally moving on,

You have everything that you believe you need,

The new home,

Comfort,

Family,

Friends,

Then the best friend you believe would always be there,

Shows her true loyalty,

Shows her cold heart,

Shows the nasty streak I didn’t believe existed,

Turning her back on you when you need her the most,

Over something so insignificant,

With no real explanation,

Just the argument that she wanted someone to step up for her,

Fight her battles,

I hate violence I hate trouble,

I will never stoop to that level for anyone,

Situations can be solved without violence,

Loyalty to me means,

Being there for someone,

Through thick and thin,

The bad and the good,

Working through things as a team,

Resolving issues,

I might be alone,

Id rather be alone than have negative people in my life,

So former friend,

Hold that hate,

That bitterness.