Her beauty in the crowd.

She’s standing with her back to the crowd,

Her sandy blonde hair sits perfectly against her back,

She looks perfect from the distance,

A red dress perfectly cupping her behind,

Black Stilettos,

A crystal glass in her hand,

You can see her manicured nails,

Gently tapping the corner of the crystal glass,

The music is loud in the background,

Everyone dancing,

Socialising,

As I walk over towards this mysterious women,

Excitement fills me,

I get a rush,

As this glorious women turns around slowly,

I take a deep breath in,

Then I exhale very loudly,

The smile quickly reaches across her face,

Her red lipstick and white teeth glistering,

Its my wife.

 

 

Dreams.

In my dreams am dying all the time,

Standing by the side of the road,

Tears are filling my eyes,

The anger building inside me,

My hair blowing in the wind,

My hands so cold I can no longer feel them,

I’m reaching for your help,

You break your promise,

Nothing was ever going be okay.

My beautiful girl.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa,

Your hair matted,

Lips dry,

Tears are filling your beautiful brown eyes,

My eyes meet yours,

I know something is seriously wrong,

You lean on me,

Holding my hand,

So tightly,

Your hands clammy,

I hold you,

You tell me,

You tell me what that monster done to you,

We cry together,

I know at that moment I need to protect you.

Rude boys

All drinkers,

Drug takers,

Pitchers,

Cigarette after Cigarette,

Tight jeans,

Slim vests,

Girl after girl,

Trying their luck,

No respect,

Rude boys everywhere,

Joke after Joke.

Are these normal feelings,

Will everything be okay,

Do we just front everything,

Anything that’s hard try to stop it from hurting,

Pretend its not happening,

Or is this just life.

 

Quote #Iamgood

75bc763944713dc2f2b4c486d90f0b8f

Sometimes my anxiety eats me up to the point I find it hard to walk down the street, I never used to be this way. My confidence is at an all time low, I need to embrace how special I am, and never let anyone dim my sparkle.

Dating

Girls how do you do this dating game? honestly help a girl out because I have no fucking idea.

I think I deal with things in the wrong way, take time for yourself my friends and family tell me. Yes that would be the right thing to do as I hear my phone ping and I realise I have a new tinder match, slightly loving myself I smile, this is a real  confidence boost.

I have met up with a few guys recently and each date has been a disaster here goes…

Date one

The POF match ( if you ain’t down with the kids…plenty of fish.) So this guy seems interesting bit sarcastic cheeky like myself am not sure about him but I think…if I don’t like him its cool I don’t need to see him again.

After a few glasses of wine or maybe the full bottle, I open the car door, He is gorgeous I think to myself, tall, dark and so handsome! “Should we go for a drink.?” I ask. His reply like a real gentleman is ” Lets park over here.” He then parks in a car park and after small talk for about two minutes. Asks me to suck his cock! No am not joking! He then gets it out and continues to wave it around. Our meeting is cut pretty short, I leave pretty much straight away!!!!

Date two

We met in Melbourne two years ago we was in the same friend group so I thought lets see what happens I need to start being spontaneous I tell myself so I go to his for the night in London. The night goes good we get on really well almost like old times we share a kiss and go to bed pretty early. The next day we get up he doesn’t seem in a very good mood, very quiet especially after smoking five joints before 12pm. We go for a walk with his massive bull dog who he talks to more than me, as its 27 degree heat he goes into a few cafes to get the dog a drink, not once asking if I would like one. He drives me home later that day then I hear pretty much nothing.

I think I might start dating women!

Hate

The feeling of hate,

Its one of the worst feelings,

The gripping inside your body,

Clenching of your fists,

Bad thoughts running through your head,

Feeling like you want to scream,

Punch the wall at the same time,

I wish I didn’t feel this way,

Thinking of you,

I want to lash out,

Make you suffer like I have done,

You took things away from me,

You watched me so low,

Its taking me so long to get my old self back,

While you run around with your new floozy,

Why is that fucking fair?

Why do you get to be okay?

 

Feelings.

I thought everything was getting better, I thought I was moving on and heading in the right direction. Then one bad day sets me back one hundred steps, I feel lonely, anxious, angry and scared of the future.

After my horrible breakup and the loss of the baby, I thought I was dealing with things really well, I haven’t been going out partying and fucking around, but I have been talking to various guys as bad as it sounds I want to feel wanted, like I matter, like I am actually worth something.

As I sit in my house, sipping on my bottle of rose wine which I told myself all day I wasn’t going to get as I don’t want to rely on drink but it makes me feel good. I have been trying to avoid going out in my local town encase I bump into people I don’t want to see.

Why is my head fucking with me so much!

The thrill

I hope you can see me, when she’s touching your skin,

The feel of my soft skin,

My full lips,

Making you weak,

Making you want more.

Its the thrill,

Knowing I cant have you,

The excitement,

Does this make me a disgrace,

Or maybe I just want to feel something,

Maybe I enjoy the excitement,

Making me forget about the pain,

A distraction,

A good one.